this is in my heart... (I seriously don't expect anyone to read this, I just needed to write it)

for the past 8 months of my life, my love life has pretty much consisted of two boys.. who happened to be related... hmm lucky me. Well the first one was AWESOME and still is.. he was such an amazing person who really cared about the things in his life and honestly changed me for the better... haha even if he WAS "staying with a girl for more then 3 weeks" challenged... haha, he gave me my first kiss, and then we kinda just broke it off i guess? i dunno... but during my time of descent from pure bliss to totally pissed, there was someone there for me.. someone who made sure i didn't hit the ground head first. To tell you the truth, i had a thing for him the same time i had a thing for his cousin but his cousin was a little more on the agressive side HAHA. Anyways, we became very close. In fact, he was my best friend. And we all know how Noel does with best friends who r boys.. hahah she doesn't.. she falls for them and completely screws everything up. Low and behold i did exactly that. It took me awhile to realize i had these strong feelings for him because at first i thought i was just on the rebound.. but after 2 months i realized at his sister's bday party that i really did like him.. ALOT. And of course... no surprise here.. that was the night he got back together with his ex girlfriend.. GREEEAAAAT... so i put my feelings aside like i generally do and realized that id be nothing more then just a friend to him. And i accepted it and made sure that i was ALWAYS there for him. I listened to his problems everyday in choir class and sometimes late at night on the phone. All i got from him was... "oh i love her", and then the next day .. "we're in a fight again...she doesnt trust me". hearing this made me soo mad because no one in the world (well maybe like one person) deserved happiness more then him. and to see him so sad over the girl he loved.. just broke my heart. One of my best friends (and his also, whom he used to like when i liked his cousin.. HAHA fun story that is.. the crazy love cuatro, if u read this) and I had this theory that it was just pure infatuation, but then again... we had never heard the good side of her.. just the bad. So one day I asked him why he was with her if there wasn't trust and how how could be in love with someone whom he fought with EVERY night about stupid things?? he said that she made him happy and that their conversations never had an awkward silence and that he was always smiling when around her.. with that answer i decided that she truely did make him happy despite the not-so-happy remarks made every morning.. well knowing that they'd NEVER break up.. i started to look for new boys to like.. i mean why crush on someone who will never crush on u bac? well after 2 "didnt work out" boys.. he broke up with her.. can you believe it??! HE BROKE UP WITH HER!!??? why? how? when?.. well i kno haha i didn't ask those cuz i was there.. but still.. was there hope for me?could i have a chance? naawww... i mean yea.. my feelings were still there.. but i pushed them aside cuz i knew he needed time to get over the girl he loved... WEEeeeElll after a long story shortified... and an emo 4 days of performing "The Mouse That Roared", i told him i liked him while in the costume loft (TEHE) and he returned the feelings.. it turned out that he had had feelings for me even while with his then girlfriend but pushed them aside because he loved her. HAHA that was the first night i snuck out of my house and into his and my frist REAL (not stupid middle school) relationship... we went out for 3 weeks and 2 days, and that time was the happiest i had yet expierence in my short life of 16 years. He was my first a lot of things (no i didnt have sex) and i trusted him with all my heart.. i was falling for him. I dunno if it was love, perhaps too soon to tell, but it was something strong. He broke up with me during brunch and 4 days later got bac together with his ex girlfriend. That hurt me, A LOT. This boy i poured my heart and soul into, this boy who promised to NEVER hurt me, this boy who knew better then to mess with my heart because it had been so too many times before, just shocked me and the whole world with this dasterdly deed. I wasn't mad though. If she was what he truely wanted and if she would really make him happy.. then that was best for him.. his happiness means more then mine. Thats how you know you truely love a person, is if you'd do anything in the world for them even if it hurts you like crazy. And i forgive him for hurting me. Im not mad, i just miss what i had. I miss him, and i feel like he's not there for me anymore. Yea, we agreed to go bac to being just friends.. but i will ALWAYS have feelings for him. Im glad he's happy. Im tired of everyone (except my close friends) telling me to just get over it and stop complaining because it was only 3 weeks and didn't mean anything.. but it did.. if you know me and my family and just my past then you know why this meant soo much to me, it was the first time i truely felt like someone loved me. Like someone cared about me just as much i cared about them. Like finally i found someone to fill that hole in my heart, and now its gone. The past only prepares you for the furture and if I could, I'd definately do it all again.

I thought.. therefore Im not...

im still numb

some feeling has returned although thats not always a good thing...

im done... i quit... im sick of all this shit...

YOU have my friends...

HE doesnt realize i have feelings

SHE thinks she is the shit and that everyone around her is inferior to her highness

how does telling the truth cause drama?? i dont know what all u want from me???!! huh?? Im not gonna lie becuase that isnt productive and above all unmoral... so i tell you how i feel and still more drama... but my feelings mean nothing... no mutual respect... why do i care so much??? its a different care, i care about people, their feelings, their lives, i want to help them, i want them to be happy, so when i finally find time to make myself happy, the pple i help, the pple i love, hurt me the most. This cycle needs to cease. Your attempts to break my spirit are useless... u cant break me, you cant shatter my hope, my faith, im a persistant little bitch... and thats what will kill me in the end; my persistance for a better world.

i pray u find what u want

i pray u find what u need

i pray that u find happiness

i pray that u succeed

i dont want to play anymore